Educated by Tara Westover

I finished Educated in just a few days. I was reading two other books, but put them aside for a few days and blew through this one. I couldn't put it down.

It was brilliantly written and it's absolutely amazing to see someone go through everything she did, the violence and physical abuse, bad luck and bad choices of her parents and come out the other side not only just alive but succeeding and creating.

If you had a religious upbringing, as I did, you may find it hard to read for other reasons. It really hits at the core of those beliefs and makes you reexamine. One quote really hit me hard.

She's talking here about one of her brothers' regular abuse, both verbal (calling her names like whore) and physical in contrast to how another of her brothers made her feel:

Suddenly that worth felt conditional, like it could be taken or squandered. It was not inherent; it was bestowed. What was of worth was not me, but the veneer of constraints and observances that obscured me.

But this is really very likely a common feeling for women and maybe women "of faith" as I was. Purity and chastity are drilled into you at every opportunity. Don't wear spaghetti straps, they're immodest. Your skin might cause a brother to stumble (the implication being- and then, well, it's your fault). Don't go to dances, you aren't allowed to move your body that way or let boys touch you (again, your fault is implied). There's no real sex education, just DON'T. Until marriage. Godly men are supposed to marry a virgin, so don't have sex. Do they have to be a virgin? No one really cares, they are preparing to be providers, so any indiscretions we'll sweep under the rug. Girls who have sex though, they are marked, they have a past, they are impure. And you grew up with the story of how Adam and Eve sinned and they got tossed out of the garden and Adam paid by having to work for a living and Eve by pain in childbirth. So there you go, there's your family structure. Created flawed by God so he can punish you your entire earthly life. 

Add to this the doctrine that salvation is conditional (2Peter 2:10). It's a hot topic in the religious world. But I associated salvation and baptism with love an acceptance of my parents, peers and church - basically the sum of my little world. It's supposed to have implications in the next world after death, but it entirely defines your view and interactions on this planet as well. Be saved and enjoy love and acceptance of church family and blood family or don't and be considered a sinner, an object of pity and embarrassment only to be associated with if the mission is to bring you back.

What I learned was that my worth was entirely dependent upon my modesty, virginity and compliance with church beliefs. There's no room for inherent worth there. There's no unconditional love. On the contrary, I grew up hearing every other Sunday that other liberal churches taught TOO MUCH about God's love. We don't talk about the consequences of sin enough. We don't preach about hell enough. We should talk about the hard things, not just love and peace all the time. Too much love??? Who on earth gets too much love or hears too much about love? I wish I'd been brave enough to scream I NEED TO HEAR ABOUT LOVE. Instead, I listened to sermon after sermon about hell and disfellowshipping unbelievers in our midst and faithfulness and the consequences of failing, of false prophets coming to us in sheep's clothing. I worried incessantly about staying home sick, hoping that I wouldn't be accused of forsaking the assembly (Heb 10:25). I nervously read letters from the elders when they ejected a person from the congregation for some sin or another, knowing they could really mount a case against anyone and that person would be gone. How much or how little did one have to do to get one of these? Who knew. The elders are in charge and what they say is law. Don't breathe. 

I grew up knowing for certain that life is a balancing act and I was worth nothing inherently, my value was bestowed, as Westover observed. Bestowed by my creator? Sort of. Conditionally. If I was a faithful servant of God. Who judges that- my dad, the church elders, the church collectively? My worth is bestowed. I am defined by constraints I didn't choose- be "modest", don't dance, don't have sex, don't drink, don't be a liberal. Virginity, attending services three times a week, no instruments in worship- those are the things with value. As long as you value these things, you too can have value.