Size Matters, But Training Helps!

Most of my jiu-jitsu training partners outweigh me by at least a hundred pounds. Sometimes more. I’m a 5’0” 41-year-old bookish introvert. This sport is hard. I get mat burns and sore fingers and bruises. Am I doing well? Do I look like a purple belt? Everyone’s bigger and stronger. Why keep coming back?


A lot of folks seem to rely on quite a bit of strength at first if they happen to be built that way. I wasn’t born that lucky or with a particular interest in spending hours on the machines in a gym next to guys flexing for themselves in mirrors. Why stick around if you’re not winning?

In working with bigger folks, I have had to be mostly technical and that can be demoralizing, especially as a beginner without many tools in the toolbox. Even later I think – I’m a purple belt after all, I should be somewhat good at this. This sweep should work! It’s hard and I spend a lot of time figuring out how to escape – which is to say on the bottom sucking stale, sweaty air, ineffectually shrimping, being the proverbial nail instead of the hammer, as the Gracie quote goes. I don’t have it all figured out now, but I’m better than I was when I started! That’s a win for me.

There are some advantages to being small like speed and fitting into spaces people don’t realize they’re leaving, but if all my weight isn’t in the two or three points I’m using for the technique, it’s probably not going to happen. Even when I’m doing it perfectly, their strength gets the better of me many times. Size matters. That’s just a fact. That doesn’t have to ruin the fun though! Is crushing everyone you meet what you consider winning? Is that the goal of your training?

Not all competition and vigorous training is bad. I do kind of dread the type of competition when you first get your purple belt or a new guy thinks “oh, this tiny lady should be an easy submission.” But when you find good people who respect each other and watch out for one another, a little competition can be good. There is a way to push each other, up the pace, but still in a playful controlled way. You both understand that your life doesn’t depend on “winning” this particular session. If your guard gets passed or you get swept, it’s not the end of your career. It means a little more work maybe. Now you have to pass guard again. But it certainly doesn’t reflect poorly on who you are as a person. It’s not a character flaw. If you’re on the mat, you’re learning and getting better. If you’re doing the work, you’re winning.

Though I enjoy friendly competition, I’m also putting my life in your hands as a smaller person. We smaller folks have to stay vigilant about a partner muscling through techniques or whether or not to invert or turtle if a heavier person might do something dangerous. Even if not explicitly stated each time, we all – no matter our size – still trust each other with our joints and necks. Training partners are there to make each other better and take care of each other. You’re not there to practice “street techniques” or mark off “wins” in your jiu-jitsu notebook. At least I hope not – not in an open mat and especially not during a regular class. There’s a high degree of trust involved that we don’t necessarily think about on a day to day basis. But if we’re all – regardless of size – in it for cooperative, respectful competition rather than skull crunching, spine crushing, knee wrenching wins we’ll all last longer, learn more and have more fun doing it.

I wrote this for:
https://geoffbalmebjj.com/2019/03/31/size-matters-but-training-helps/

Is Jiu-jitsu For Everyone?

A question on my mind lately has been how long do I have on the mat anyway? I'm probably not the only one. I realize this isn't a terribly original question, but I'm a woman who was introduced to martial arts in her mid-thirties, so it's new to me. I've been doing jiu-jitsu for seven or eight years and still look for any way I can get in another class. You know what I'm talking about. This is an addictive sport. Always just one more roll. Most people, when it's exciting and new, would go to YouTube and look up their favorite MMA guy or a really old master of a related martial art for inspiration, but for me it's a little more complicated.

Heroes and role models have always an uncomfortable subject for me. I never understood, even as a child, the necessity of fashioning yourself after someone who already exists when you're an entirely different person. I didn't want to be anyone else. (And I was asked everything: Do you wish you were taller? Do you wish you were a boy?) Being that I once won an essay contest in elementary school about role models by writing about Jim Davis instead of my parents like most of my peers, I apparently wasn't a bit concerned with the normal way of doing things, either. 

For whatever reason, I've been thinking about my future in jiu-jitsu lately. Not so much attaining the black belt level - rank is more of a side benefit to what I love most: the physical and mental challenge. Maybe I'm thinking existentially because I'm 41. Maybe it's because I'm at the middle rank. Maybe it's because at this stage in the game, I've rolled with a lot of people – all kinds of people. I've been in class with at least two 70-year-old guys and worked with several in their 60s. These men still have the energy, desire, and skill to keep moving forward, and it keeps me going. I can't even count how many guys in their 40s and 50s I've rolled with. The guys I roll with are excellent and have skills and confidence I hope to acquire, and they help me with anything I need, but it's still a stretch for me to see myself following their path.

I didn't need a role model to start the sport, but upon looking around out of curiosity, I still came up rather short. Ronda Rousey was “it” at the time I began, but one can't really look to MMA for longevity in the sport. Before I started martial arts, I had movies like the Karate Kid franchise – I wasn't into the rest of them really (I know there is a canon of sorts – apologies to MA film aficionados) – and after, I saw real life characters shared on social media like the old judo master and any number of old Gracie fights. Fictional or real, they are these wise old masters venerated for knowledge and dedication who even in their last years are doing what they love. That's what I want to be no matter what rank I happen to end up at. I mean, whatever gender you are, it's pretty inspiring to see, giving hope that you won't necessarily have to retire or quit.  

I sometimes wonder how much longer my own body will let me do this. I know everyone struggles with health and injury and training as much as you can before you can't anymore, from white belts to the old masters. I've had one knee surgery so far and the doctor warns of various things like early arthritis and asks are you sure you're going to keep doing this and all the rest. Of course, just like the guys, I take that under advisement and deal with it when/if it comes. After all, that won't be me. I'm the exception! Joking aside, the guys are a bit luckier than I am, in that they can be pretty confident they'll be on the mat a long time still. Chances are they know guys older than they are.

The men don't have to imagine the possibility of a 90-year-old judo master or 70-year-old guy learning jiu-jitsu because their futures are often in the gym where they train. I'm not saying there aren't women black belts or aren't older women who do jiu-jitsu – I'm just not surrounded by them. It could very well be regional. I'm not in a huge city. I know they're out there; they're just not as likely to walk into a gym anywhere near me any time soon. Most of my examples are men. We can ponder the reasons – sexism, Title IX's delayed effect, is it our bodies – I'd need to research that – but that's not what I'm talking about now. Men have this future that they absorb from birth without thinking too much – or anything – about it. Male is the default in many areas still, despite several waves of feminism, and martial arts is very much one of those. I see no one really like a Helio Gracie or mythical Mr. Miyagi for women unless I go to the Internet, which we can do. I did! I found an interview with a 50- and 46-year old woman as well as a great article by a woman who started BJJ at 43 and hits the high points of why I love the sport too. They are there, just not as readily available. I can't exactly lean over and ask Ms. Moto de Oliveira (see link) a quick question.

Without this long history of prolific examples that men have to show active older men and in the absence of many women my age in local gyms, I'm left with a more blurry or even blank future than my jiu-jitsu brothers. Is my future just not there – or is it as yet unwritten? Is this the beginning, with my generation having Title IX that established equal sports teams for women - or is it something unique to our biology that holds us women back or keeps us from participating? (The latter is another can of worms I would need a few years to research. The former I may discuss in my next post.) I suspect it's only the beginning for us, but doubt tends to creep in when there are so few examples of what exactly – or even very generally – is possible. 

I hope that when my daughter is my age, her generation has the examples I never had. 

--And to answer the title, yes, jiu-jitsu is for everyone!

Women As Presidents. Get Used To It

As we're floating names for 2020, I'm hearing huge swaths (of generally white guys) really getting excited about Beto and Biden. Never mind how Beto is an Israeli war crime apologist and can't quite get behind universal healthcare and Biden is so bland and centrist, zero progress would be made – forget reversing the damage of our Nectarine Nightmare wreaked. We have both the inexperienced superstar and the old establishment default choices represented. This is diversity for white people I guess. We can do better. The people elected new representatives this time around that aimed to make Congress look more like the people. For instance, Rashida Tlaib plans to organize a delegation to Palestine, which would serve to make the discourse a bit more equal than the default genocide-as-Israeli-self-defense position.

(And if you want, in the spirit on not excluding men, I'd accept this guy maybe...)

Women are half of the population and SHOULD be half of Congress a the very least. Yet it's harder for women to run for office because of sexism and misogyny - and you can add exponential challenges for minority and queer women. Some think men are the default human and that they are naturally smarter and possess more leadership qualities and this is how they explain the lack of women in top jobs. Those of us who have lived as a woman on Earth, have read a freaking book -- or have looked inward know that there is quite a different explanation for that.

Old prejudices die hard. I remember my own mother saying she was more comfortable with men doctors because she assumed they were more qualified. I never asked her – WHY? 

Two articles and two podcast episodes follow to illustrate:

1.

Will America Ever Have a Woman President?

“History suggests that the biggest obstacle to a woman aspiring to the highest office anywhere is simply that she is not a man. In every era, in every culture, as French philosopher Simone de Beauvoir pointed out, a man is the norm, and women are defined in terms of their difference from that norm. This is particularly true when it comes to our visual images and expectations for the head of state.”

2.

Nearly 60% Of Republicans Don't Want A Woman President In Their Lifetime, Poll Finds

Well, this is disappointing: 

“Asked if they'd see a woman president in their lifetime, 20 percent of respondents said they "definitely will,"...”

Both encouraging and discouraging are these results:

“A comfortable majority of Republicans—59 percent—responded no, they don't hope to see a woman president in their lifetime, according to YouGov. In comparison, 89 percent of Democrats and 63 percent of independents responded that yes, they hoped to see a woman president before they died.”

First podcast: 

Around the 44 minute mark

Ep 32: How To Run For President: https://unladylike.co/episodes/032/women-politics-pipeline

THIS, RIGHT HERE, FOLKS: 

“Men are 60% more likely to say that they are very qualified to run for office, while women are more than twice as likely to say that they are not at all qualified. Men, who are probably less qualified than you, are just jumping in.”

This is my problem and why I believe we need to seek out these women. Follow Barbara Lee and Stacey Abrams. Kamala Harris is being floated despite some misgivings of the prosecutor kind by progressives. Read books by black women. Follow black Twitter. If the default is white male, and it is, you have to do the homework and legwork to avoid being sexist and accepting the same old white guys whose perspective isn't going to be as relevant or accurate due to their lack of experience in certain ways. We need to stop accepting white men as the default in place of women with the same or greater qualifications.

Gillibrand has also been mentioned, but again, as with many white folks, the Israeli war crime issue is a red flag on their inability to take a stand for human rights here and abroad.

Warren seems great, too, sort of. Trump already has her number though with the Pocahantas slur. She does great tax, healthcare and wealth inequality explainers, but her handling of the ancestry issue wasn't handled well enough not to haunt her and cause resentment among Native Americans.

So, basically, there are some strong black women, problematic white women and the same old white guys.

Second podcast:

Scene On Radio: 50. MEN Part 4 Feminism in Black and White 

This is such a great point that I appreciated in Obama, but I didn't have a name for it: standpoint theory.

Around the 38:30 mark:

Biewen: "The big takeaway was something called standpoint theory, coined by the philosopher Sandra Harding. The theory basically says that people on the receiving end of oppressive systems, people at the bottom of social hierarchies, will see things more accurately than the people at the top, the ones benefitting from the system. Black women, for example, will share a general body of knowledge about how society is, about how it works, because of their common experiences. And, according to Sandra Harding, that shared understanding won’t just be distinctive, it’ll actually be better knowledge, more true, than the collective picture of the world that privileged people like me will soak up from our

surroundings. "

**(Also covered are problems with white feminism and how white supremacy sits on a foundation of patriarchy.)

**NC book alert:  Gender and Jim Crow: Women and the Politics of White Supremacy in North Carolina, 1896-1920

https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/57459.Gender_and_Jim_Crow

We can only hope so: Why 2020 Will Be The Year Of The Woman

Self defense: what we selling to women?

"Have you seen the video of the girl who chokes out a guy wearing a t-shirt??" say any number of supportive men as I smile and try to cringe only a little. "She doesn't even need a gi!" they say as I think - great! When I'm raped, I can be in street clothes... 

And we have martial arts magazines trying to be supportive like this: 10 Self Defense Strategies Every Woman Needs To Know To Survive! I need? Survive? You mean I can't just walk down a street like anyone else? What is wrong with society that every time a woman goes outside, we think it's common sense to give her advice as though she's going out on combat patrols? 

There are a slew of videos wonderfully named "rape choke defense" that I found while trying to find the first hyperlink. Until today, I didn't know two hands on the throat was a "rape choke," so thank you, Internet, for that. It looks so very similar to a choke; I had no idea I was supposed to call attention to the lack of value society has for women by adding "rape" to it when you're choking a woman.

When I began martial arts, I couldn't talk about self defense with the terminology of a 30 year practitioner, but I knew why it was important to me: stress relief, testing my limits, it being exercise you can stick with long term as well as getting comfortable with an opponent in my personal space putting his hands on me. I think that's an off putting aspect of jiu-jitsu for many women, but I feel more comfortable having the training. It's not really about a theatrical fight scene where I knock out my attacker. I'd like to think that, instead, training will help me gain a few seconds to escape possibly or it may help counteract the impulse I and many women have to freeze up in an unwanted confrontation. Given all the positives, it was very hard for me to pinpoint my misgivings with men recommending self defense in response to sexual assault in the news. After all, it can really work! (See 2017 story of jogger fending off an attacker.)

On the surface, it seems like creepy marketing. There are some ground styles that sell a lifestyle complete with diet and a mindset that is reminiscent of religion: that this is not something you do, but it's what you are. You can take that or leave it. And then to bring in women, some of these styles emphasize or add self defense to round out their systems because what else is there to offer women? Equal respect and welcoming training space? Nooo. Self defense in the face of rampant toxic masculinity, of course! It leaves a bad taste in my mouth to be told or made to feel that it's my responsibility not to be attacked and on top of that, I should pay to obtain this life saving information. (Kind of like when you see free condoms being given out and meanwhile you're paying a luxury tax for tampons for something you wish you could abstain from... Google pink tax for more fun reading.) 

Marketing aside, there's no denying the threat women face is real, though. The recent #metoo and #timesup movements should have made it very obvious that all women are at risk and are affected by misogyny that can manifest as violence. I don't want to downplay that at all. School shootings and other mass shootings of late are case in point. The common thread in these acts of domestic terrorism is, terrifyingly, white men with a history of domestic abuse. Since we can't solve this (and by that I mean smash the patriarchy) in a day, I can understand why both men and women might see self defense as a possible stopgap solution or a way to feel like you're doing something constructive when you feel powerless.

I was introduced to ho sin sool, or self defense, through Tang Soo Do. Being about 33 or so when I started, I hadn't grown up in it and so I absorbed all the quirks, personalities and trends of the sport through others who had - everything from the magical pressure point ideology to the differences between each martial art (it's not all karate, believe it or not!) to the women's self defense phenomenon. Self defense wasn't my primary reason for seeking out martial arts instruction, but I'm not going to lie - I was eager to find out what I could use to defend myself should I need it. I somewhat reluctantly* started Tang Soo Do in about 2010 (and later, BJJ) to get in shape and do something besides running which is really boring and ruining my knees. Fast forward to 2018 - I'm an enthusiastic (in my own way) chodan in Tang Soo Do and purple belt in Brazilian Jiu-jitsu.

*= we can talk about introverts and my feelings about joining groups in another post...

Being involved in martial arts, I have heard many a discussion about self defense: what are the best methods, different techniques for different attacks, applying the same basic motions to all attacks, weapon defenses, debates on the probability of actually restraining an attacker in real life, and on and on. I find it hard to speak up in these discussions because I worry that my conflicting feelings about the topic won't be accepted or taken seriously. Self defense is a fraught term for me as a woman. The concept is useful, but there's an uneasiness too. There's a fitness aspect as well as preparedness or confidence - that sounds empowering, right? But for me (and maybe many women) there is a persistent, unnamed dissonance surrounding it. Well, I'm going to name it.

My problem with the term "self defense" is this: it can be empowering or exploitative depending on who is wielding it and for what reasons. Learning it from two of my respected teachers in Tang Soo Do is empowering. Hearing some guy comment on a news story that girls need to learn self defense so they don't get raped feels like victim blaming and is the opposite of empowering. Both of these things bounce around in my brain when I hear "self defense." 

The author of Rage Becomes Her, Soraya Chemaly (the inspiration for my blathering on about self defense in the first place) perfectly distills my feelings about the goals of self defense. I don't read many martial arts tomes, so I was surprised to run into the topic while reading about what to do with all the simmering and explosive rage that all women feel as a result of growing up socialized with sexism and misogyny. Naturally, there is a section about taking up boxing or self defense as an outlet. I was prepared for the usual advice on exercise being good for health and mood, which she gives in saying, "Studies of athletes show a strong correlation between body competence, self-esteem, and healthier anger expression." Check. I also guessed there'd be maybe even a suggestion to take up boxing to punch and kick the anger out. She does that - sort of - but I like the way she handles it by tying sports and self defense together accomplishing the same things. She really nails the discomfort I feel about self defense being advertised as a solution for rape or bullying and instead zeroes in on what she calls "body competence:"

"In sports, you are able to develop mastery over a honed sense of the potential of aggression, with or without anger, to alter your environment as well as what professor and cultural historian Maud Lavin (the author of Push Comes to Shove: New Images of Aggressive Women) describes as the "sheer physical joy of exerting aggression outward instead of inward." "

That's what it's all about: knowing what a punch feels like, knowing your kicking distance, knowing you can break a board or two, developing muscle memory and trained reflexes. It's more about learning and testing your limits or potential than defeating attackers. The techniques are no guarantee against a bigger attacker who has the element of surprise, size, strength, familiarity with location, weapons and everything else going for them. Also in an attack, so much is up to luck or chance. When you are attacked, chances are you won't be in a safe space with an instructor watching, on mats in comfy clothes, hands empty, brain anticipating someone grabbing you, and your attacker likely won't respond to you tapping out. The idea that you can in any situation fend off and immobilize an attacker with one hand and call the police with the other is not reality. If you want fantasy, you can use your library card. Ursula Le Guin is great. You can't control what this other person will do, but you can gain some understanding of your own body and what you are capable of, which, in turn, builds some degree of confidence.

Learning what you are capable of isn't always just a physical thing. We have to learn to overcome our silence in many ways. In a story that hits way too close to home, Chemaly in recounts the story of a Brazilian woman for whom the hardest part of self defense wasn't the physical part, but the yelling part (Brazilian Women Can Learn to Yell). I still have trouble making our kihap in Tang Soo Do forms. As in the article, I spent 30+ years making myself as small and polite and even as unnoticeable as possible, so it's a hard habit to unlearn. Equality in the abstract is an easy concept to grasp; actually taking up the space I deserve is an entirely different matter.

Since most stand up arts have a self defense curriculum, I get that people could think it's an unnecessary division, but women's classes can be a good place to learn from each other without the, at times, complicated gender/power dynamic. Despite the problematic nature of men making money off women's self defense to combat violent misogyny in a culture where male is the default, I do believe it can be beneficial for women to commiserate and turn anger at inequality into something constructive. 

Women's classes have value. Self defense in general has value. We just need to be clear about the objectives and about what is being sold (and about what is NOT being sold). 

Training and body competence are valuable; selling safety is a dangerous lie.

Chemaly ends with this, and I will too:

"The point is that you cultivate a strong sense of your body, its capabilities, and your use of it.

****I also put this post here: https://geoffbalmebjj.com/2018/11/28/self-defense-what-are-we-selling-to-women/ ****

Rage Becomes Her - gender roles

Every woman knows these things. 
Every man needs to read this book: Rage Becomes Her

This is so vivid for me. I didn't see myself in the supporting role in ET, Flight of the Navigator or Neverending Story. Being a tomboy, which is kind of a stupid name for it, I was forced to grapple with things like what's wrong with me? and do I really want to be a boy? As it turned out, I did want to be a girl, I just didn't understand why adults felt uncomfortable with everything I liked. I just chalked it up to adults being adults - they did so much that I felt had larger meaning but I was at a loss for understanding anything but the immediate and tangible. I still don't understand their discomfort. I did eventually, slowly, painfully, conform mostly to gender norms, but I hope that didn't entirely crush my spirit. I wish I still had a child's obliviousness sometimes so that I could press on with what I wanted instead of giving others what they expect from me.

There is a picture of me at age 5 or 6 wearing a pink frilly dress and clunky brown ET shoes, representing a concession. My mom was extremely disappointed that I wouldn't wear dresses to school like all the other girls. I unsuccessfully fought it every Sunday. She was so happy to have a girl as her first child so she could dress me up. I was thinking only that I couldn't play soccer, run and hang on the monkey bars if i wore those things, not about gender norms or anyone's expectations. That was before I learned not to stand up for myself, I guess... I was allowed to wear pants except to church, it just came with the baggage that i was making someone unhappy for reasons i couldn't comprehend. It seemed completely arbitrary to me, so I fought for the functional.

quote on girls' cultural irrelevance:
https://www.goodreads.com/quotes/9465940-every-girl-learns-in-varying-degrees-to-filter-herself-through

quote on living in the cracks of a world made for men:
https://www.goodreads.com/quotes/9576684-as-women-we-are-continuously-told-to-live-in-the

About the ERA...

Unregulated gun rights are said to be protected constitutional rights for white men. 
Basic rights for women, however, remain unprotected constitutionally.

Congress passed this and a bunch of states ratified it, though Phyllis Schlafly mobilized the religious right and brought things to a halt in 1977 or so, well before the 1982 deadline.

Yes, this podcast again! Unladylike, Episode 20 is awesome. 
Know your rights... Like the song, but know that you have none.... https://unladylike.co/episodes/020/equal-rights-amendment

This is a very good look at the Equal Rights Amendment - link above. Don't miss it. It has RBG talking about why it's necessary.

Women feel more empowered and there are more laws than there used to be, but our rights are not secured as long as the ERA is OUT.

The women who do this show have really perfect imagery for this. Two quotes from the episode. Not edited for perfection, but I think I got most of it.

"Think of the ERA as an IUD for your rights. As Dr. Ruth describes, an ERA safely inserted into the Constitution would provide effective long lasting protection from unplanned politics."

I love this analogy. They just keep it rolling throughout.

"Existing laws that we have - the Violence Against Women Act, the Pregnancy Discrimination Act, the Equal Pay Act - they're basically the equivalent of condoms. When used properly and consistently, they work pretty well. They're definitely better than nothing. But also like condoms, those laws often aren't applied uniformly, if at all and that can leave us vulnerable to changing political attitudes in a way that getting that Constitutional IUD just wouldn't."

All kinds of resources on the ERA:
https://www.equalrightsamendment.org

This was on the Google search page for the Alice Paul Institute site above, but I couldn't really find it on the website so this is a summary that may or may not be on the new site:

"The ERA in the States. The Equal Rights Amendment was passed by Congress on March 22, 1972 and sent to the states for ratification. In order to be added to the Constitution, it needed approval by legislatures in three-fourths (38) of the 50 states. By 1977, the legislatures of 35 states had approved the amendment."


Two states - Nevada and Illinois ratified it within the past two years, reigniting the fight for officially recognized rights for women:
https://www.bbc.com/news/world-us-canada-44319712

Thirteen mostly southern states haven't ratified and several stated rescinded, complicating the issue. The 1982 deadline has some dismissing the ERA, but this article mentions the 27th amendment about salaries for Congress that wasn't ratified until 100 years later, so there's a good argument for ignoring the deadline.

#YesAllWomen and the combat zone that is our life

Again, a truth mostly unrelated to the topic I came on here to highlight:

https://www.theguardian.com/world/2018/nov/22/hillary-clinton-europe-must-curb-immigration-stop-populists-trump-brexit

**********************************************

Unladylike Episode 14: How to Shoot a Gun

https://unladylike.co/episodes/014/shoot-gun

In the first half of the podcast, they interview Dana of Trigger Warning, a Queer and Trans gun club in Atlanta and what she said struck me

At around 11 minutes, she talks about how the military's advice for going out during combat is the same advice we give girls and women about going out at all anywhere and about how that constant state of vigilance causes stress and messes with your head (after the quote, they talk stress).

"...what we tell our daughters and our sisters and our wives and our mothers to how to defend themselves and be aware of when they leave the house is the same mindset that we teach our soldiers to do when they go out on combat on patrols. And that's fucked up. When you go outside your house, pay attention to your surrounding at all times: head on a swivel. Be paying attention to your gut. Every place you go to judge whether that's a safe place to go. When people come to speak to you, be polite and respectful, but you always have to be thinking and preparing for if this dude freaks out and pulls a knife, what are you going to do."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

My listening to this podcast now ties in perfectly with the book I'm reading - Rage Becomes Her by Soraya Chemaly. It really puts a name and words to much of the female identifying experience - the rage of inequality, not being "allowed" to express it or being told we're lying, and the stress that results from the erasure and denial.

https://www.goodreads.com/quotes/9567707-in-the-classroom-it-was-almost-certainly-the-case-that

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

#metoo Solidarity

There was a tweet going around - how do women not die of rage aneurysms every day. Seems especially apt today.

Since we voted (or not voted, in most cases) a serial sexual assaulter to the office of president to now when an apathetic to enthusiastic GOP is trying to cram Kavanaugh down our throats, the political is personal.

I haven't suffered monumental sexual trauma but only the run of the mill sexual harassment, sexism and rape culture. What a phrase that is, run of the mill sexual harassment. I am absolutely in solidarity with survivors whenever, wherever and however they report. I can't imagine what this is putting them through. Every single time.

I've walked with my keys between my fingers, I worry about dark parking lots, I worry about places with few people, I worry about places with too many people. I thought I wasn't good at math. I worry about running alone. I cross the street to avoid squeezing by men on a sidewalk. I've been talked over and had my answers repeated by boys who take credit. I've laughed off sexist "jokes" and comments to get out of the situation. I've told myself stray hands where I didn't want them were an accident. I listen for footsteps behind me and use my car window for a mirror as I unlock the car. I accepted advances I didn't want so I wouldn't be stranded. I know who I would and wouldn't tell about sexual assault.

I grew up with an ideology that taught me not to handle big decisions on my own, not to usurp the authority of a man and not to cause one to stumble spiritually because of what I chose to wear or how I moved. No one ever said explicitly that my safety was not intended by God to be a priority, but when you tell a teenager that you can only be released from marriage for death or infidelity, what on earth is one to gather from that?

We can do better. I want to have faith in humanity that common decency might prevail consistently one day.

But Twitler is in office and Troy (thanks, Boom Lawyered for the levity) will be a Justice soon. So *can* we do better?

Push back all around on #believewomen - deja vu

As the number of women coming forward against Kavanaugh rises. ..

So there has been some push back on the 'believe women' mantra across the board from conservative Christians* to well meaning liberals. Some say slow down! We can't assume guilt and the only appropriate response is that we don't know/ maybe we should look into it. Or they believe "truth" or "facts" (which is funny if any of those support the GOP but i digress ...) rather than exclusively women. 

*As far as the conservative Christians, I read a post by Jen Hatmaker, which I can generally get on board with. I support religious people thinking in a humane way about equality and the common good. Her Christianity is against kids in cages and men who rape women and I think it's important for Christians to speak out when they differ with the GOP theocratic patriarchal abuse.

This strikes the same tone deaf note as Black Lives Matter opposition where people intentionally disregard context so they can feel some self righteous indignation. Neither of these statements are happening in a vacuum or a state of anything approaching equality. BLM is not saying no other lives matter,  it's drawing attention to the fact that our society doesn't value black lives, there is still discrimination and racism (readily apparent in the criminal justice system and murders of unarmed black people by police among other areas) and we're fed up. 

In the same manner, 'believe women' is the shorthand that says NOT that only women always tell the truth on everything or any other nonsense, but that women are historically and statistically not being valued or believed (especially in sexual assault, DV, among other life threatening situations) compared to men and it's LITERALLY KILLING US.

In a perfect world and free of the weight of history we could treat his denial and her accusation as equally plausible. But given our current world, knowing he has everything to gain and she is getting death threats for coming forward, I'm going to #believewomen .

#believewomen

#cancelKavanaugh

#bluewave

#womensrightsarehumanrights

*the comments section of the Jen Hatmaker post/article:

Men's Rights Activism and Feminism

PBS article on the Documentary No Safe Place

Novelist Margaret Atwood writes that when she asked a male friend why men feel threatened by women, he answered, "They are afraid women will laugh at them." When she asked a group of women why they feel threatened by men, they said, "We're afraid of being killed."

Where to start. Let's start with something positive first before delving into the depths of what these guys (and women) believe. A former MRA tells all:

http://narrative.ly/i-was-an-angry-mens-rights-activist-now-im-a-fierce-feminist/

The guy in this article actually tries to pit his new found MRA belief system against feminist theory and he records the result. He discovers what you'd expect- that MRA is a bit like feminism in the problems it identifies but differs in both the why and what to do about it. The unfairness MRA identify as uniquely a crisis of masculinity are actually the same forces oppressing women.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

I didn't know this existed. It looks like a great resource in sorting out this manosphere:

http://www.wehuntedthemammoth.com/

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Here we go. We're going in. Get the hip waders; this is going to get messy.

In their own words. . .

True to the experience of the man in article about the MRA turned feminist, they spend an inordinate bit of space up front telling what they aren't and why feminists are evil and feminism is from the depths of hell. And because they are "task focused" and falsely claim not to have an ideology or emotions, there is a list of issues! Yay! Let's take a look.

https://www.avoiceformen.com/mens-rights/an-introduction-to-the-mens-rights-movement/

It's a very strange breakdown of points.

I see three groups: (1) bodily autonomy, domestic violence, father's rights, health, state discrimination, reproductive rights and suicide; (2) unnecessary medication, education; (3) disposability and vilification. Sort of.

Their ideology free tasks are as follows:

1. Bodily autonomy - As discussed, this is the section where they claim circumcision is the same as female genital mutilation.

"Type one FGM would be like removing a male’s testes, type three is equivalent to removing both the testes and the penis. There is no way that would be deemed acceptable," says Taina Bien Aime, director of the Coalition Against Trafficking in Women, who adds that comparisons between male and female circumcision are unhelpful."

So, there that is. You can decide if the two are equivalent.

2. Disposability - Here, they discuss how unfair it is that men have to sacrifice for their community and also to protect hypocritical women who don't pull their weight. Instead of fighting against the Selective Service and militarization of society and the damaging effects of this, they focus on the unfairness that men have to do this but not women.

This is a good look at why sending women to war isn't the equality MRA says it is. Men controlling the world governments and sending women to war and the fact that MRA oppose the ERA and Violence Against Women Act are among the disparate situations discussed.

https://bust.com/feminism/16574-why-drafting-women-isn-t-gender-equality.html

The approach to "equality" of MRA is just completely backwards. Insisting women hurt men more and get punished less in domestic violence and calling rape accusations inflated is not equality any more than saying women should be sent and killing in war as much as men. The real issue is ending war and selective service.

https://www.motherjones.com/politics/2016/06/soon-women-may-sign-up-selective-service-draft/


3. Domestic Violence - MRA claim that women perpetrate this as often or more than men but aren't prosecuted as much. They do claim that all domestic violence is bad, but choose to cherry pick to keep the patriarchy alive and women and children treated as property as in the "good old days."

https://www.nytimes.com/roomfordebate/2014/06/13/fathers-rights-and-womens-equality/the-fathers-rights-movement-undermines-victims-of-domestic-violence

Many fathers’ rights activists argue that women perpetuate as much, if not more, violence against intimate partners and that most domestic violence is mutual, ignoring or discounting all research to the contrary. They accuse programs that serve battered women of discrimination on the basis of sex, even to the point of bringing (unsuccessful) lawsuits against them on equal protection claims.

- - - - - - -

https://jezebel.com/5397939/the-misguided-message-of-mens-rights-groups

Is domestic violence law marginalizing men? According to Joyce, probably not. She writes that "while some men certainly are victims of female domestic violence, advocates say the number is closer to 3 percent to 4 percent, rather than the 45 percent to 50 percent RADAR claims."

4. Unnecessary Medication - It's possible that Americans are over medicated, but MRA focus on boys and ADHD only. There is no interest in fixing health care or anything else - only WHAT ABOUT THE BOYS and IT'S THE FEMINISTS' FAULT!

This link is really all you need. It explains both the question framed both ways - how are boys actually doing and politically/culturally, what does that mean? Boys appear to be doing worse in school and it is frequently blamed on feminism, the feminization of boys or the perceived pathologized boyhood.

Michael S. Kimmel in "What About the Boys?" What the Current Debates Tell us--And Don't Tell Us--About Boys in School:

https://quod.lib.umich.edu/cgi/t/text/text-idx?cc=mfsfront;c=mfs;c=mfsfront;idno=ark5583.0014.001;g=mfsg;rgn=main;view=text;xc=1

Another look at why mothers would jump on this ridiculous bandwagon. It takes the view that the movement will die out when these mothers seek educational opportunities and boys learn that the ideology is bunk.

https://www.fatherly.com/love-money/mothers-mens-rights-activists-honey-badgers/

5. Education - Yeah, it's basically the same issue as above; the former being a solution to this problem - if you're looking at it this way. This and the previous thing are related and should have been one bullet point.

6. Father's Rights - To me, this is ridiculous to set up father's rights as antithetical to feminism or women's rights. Feminism seeks to equalize gender roles and give everyone the right to participate in raising their children from parental leave to custody and everywhere else.

This is helpful in clearing up some of the odd substitutions and logic employed:

https://everydayfeminism.com/2013/08/bias-against-fathers/

++++

Yeah. I can't. I feel like I'm just dealing with the same points over and over again, so maybe just a few more links are needed. Most of these can be described by cherry picking their data and the concern not even being factual, blaming everything on feminism or subdividing topics that are actually the same thing. In every instance where an actual grievance exists, feminism is working to help solve these issues that the men are complaining about. Having bodily autonomy mean circumcision vs FGM while women can't get birth control or menstrual products on demand and are forced to be pregnant by majority male lawmakers makes this point by point examination impossible.

https://bellejar.ca/2014/03/28/why-the-mens-rights-movement-is-garbage/

https://rewire.news/article/2015/02/27/mens-rights-movement-hilariously-self-defeating/

++++

7. Health - see the medication points

8. State Discrimination - see domestic violence and father's rights

9. Reproductive Rights - laughable premise, but see father's rights

10. Suicide - see medication

11. Vilification - laughable and subjective, but go back to disposability if you must

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

From Movember to believing there's a crisis in masculinity, to denying the pay gap and the patriarchy exist, to believing the disparity in numbers of women in top positions is due to men being better at it, to believing law enforcement punishes too many men and the real crisis is letting women off easy, it all stems from a nearly feminist place that veers off into selfish babyman territory also known as men's rights activism (MRA).

In this BBC link,

https://www.bbc.com/news/magazine-17907534

Movember was mentioned, which I'd not considered as part of this MRA hysteria; it's an interesting point. The other complaints of men's rights activists that I already knew are discussed as well: suicide, crime, boys under performing in school, losing custody cases, more likely to be victims of violence.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Next, a great description of the hate groups in the MRA area:

"There's no waxing poetic on the joys of fatherhood, the majesty of a properly groomed beard, or the exquisite joy of scratching your own balls; it's all just variations of "fuck dem bitches" and "amiright!?" It's not an ideology, it's just them feeling bad about themselves and directing that hatred elsewhere ... which is exactly how a hate group works. And that's not just my opinion."

http://www.cracked.com/blog/5-uncomfortable-truths-behind-mens-rights-movement/


This article has a few good hyperlinks and book references, one being:

The Southern Poverty Law Center has identified many of these groups as hate groups. You'll find that proponents like to talk about false rape being prevalent and a "fact" that women assault men as much or more than men assault women.

https://www.splcenter.org/fighting-hate/intelligence-report/2012/men%E2%80%99s-rights-movement-spreads-false-claims-about-women

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

This link goes into detail about a few MRA talking points we'll look at down the page - feminists hating men, women being hypocrites because of chivalry, rape is over reported, FGM is the same as circumcision, men are vilified in the media and several more.

https://mic.com/articles/90131/the-8-biggest-lies-men-s-rights-activists-spread-about-women

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Various MRA have made news, this is only the most recent to make the news as he comes down from political controversy in Canada to make the rounds down here.

Here's the deal with that guy:

Basically he has a problem with using the correct pronouns for trans people and wants to use free speech to support his bigotry.

https://medium.com/s/story/a-field-guide-to-jordan-petersons-political-arguments-312153eac99a

- - - - -

On the controversy in my city:

https://www.indyweek.com/indyweek/counterpoint-the-durham-city-council-said-exactly-what-needed-to-be-said-about-jordan-peterson/Content?oid=16096426

MRA Peterson rented a place to speak and the city spoke against him and a debate about free speech ensued.

- - - - -

This quote is talking about an MRA group spawned by Peterson's talks:

"One of their group’s main goals is “waking the police up” to female-perpetrated domestic violence, Mr. Trottier says."

Perpetually the victim, he thinks white privilege is a farce and enforced monogamy and sexual redistribution will stop mass shooters.

https://www.nytimes.com/2018/05/18/style/jordan-peterson-12-rules-for-life.html

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Rather an optimistic and scholarly take - "Finding Common Ground: A Feminist Response to Men’s Rights Activism:"

https://onourterms.barnard.edu/article/finding-common-ground/

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

The zero sum mentality that sees women gaining and assuming themselves to be losing can overlap with white supremacy fears along the same lines. Maybe I posted before, but it is instructive that the alt right is attracted to this set of beliefs.

https://www.motherjones.com/politics/2015/01/warren-farrell-mens-rights-movement-feminism-misogyny-trolls/

Day Without A Woman, March 8, 2017

Photos in this post are mine taken at CCB Plaza, Durham, North Carolina.

A Women’s Strike Reader

https://www.dissentmagazine.org/online_articles/international-womens-strike-reader-working-class-socialist-feminism

**********

There is a lot to process in thinking about the day, it's effectiveness and how different segments of the population reacted to it. 

At first blush, I thought well, isn't that what the men want? Then they can joke, have their locker room talk and not have to bother with equality. Maybe they'll decide they like it better that way and won't help right the system. On the other hand, when some teachers announced their intent to observe the day, even in our "right to work" state, a few school systems chose to close for the day. Some people recognized the impact and prepared for it. And if mothers who take kids to school, cook, clean, buy groceries, do laundry, whether or not they also have full time jobs outside the home were able to pull off striking completely in all work at least men might notice and even be compelled to switch up or divide labor differently than before the strike. This second example wasn't as widespread it seems, I even failed on several counts. Was it a failure then?

I considered striking as a privilege, though the history of strikes would negate that, some still maintain that. I did consider that those women who can strike might make more work for those who can't, though this might happen in other strikes, that you hurt the group you try and help.

This might help muddle through this point:
https://www.thenation.com/article/when-did-solidarity-with-working-women-become-a-privilege/

And what about this ability to strike? Is it that some of us are actually unable- or is it unique to women, unique to this strike - that we've been conditioned to not be disagreeable, to be too polite even when it means hurting ourselves hence we don't feel confident we can all walk out like in a predominantly male profession.

And there was this perspective. . . 

What to make of it- I don't think it's about the percent who participated in one particular way or evaluating your own self worth, as some have insinuated. It's a call to action to some, an education to others, or maybe a renewal of the commitment to anti-capitalism and the forces that perpetuate the patriarchy.

On Radio Dispatch coverage of the Women's Strike, there were two great articles detailing the history of the strike and movement:

Here are the two podcast episodes:
Analyzing Women’s Strike Coverage  March 10, 2017

https://btrmedia.s3.amazonaws.com/DJRadioDispatch031017.mp3

Women On Strike  March 9, 2017
http://www.theradiodispatch.com/2017/03/show-notes-for-todays-episode-3917/

And the two articles:
https://newrepublic.com/article/141160/strike

https://www.theguardian.com/theguardian/from-the-archive-blog/2012/mar/08/clara-zetkin-international-womens-day

Among the good points in these two episodes:

• Breaking down a NYT piece about the "failure" of the strike
• Feminism for the 99% what it means
• Clara Zetkin, the movement's roots in socialism and the origin of the strike
• Dangers of lean in feminism- it can't be solely about arguing for higher pay, that marginalizes others, the pay gap is still an issue but leaves out a large portion, such as the trans women killed in February
• Be explicit in our politics (see Bryce Covert's piece, New Republic)-  woman president, women CEO, like Sandberg at Facebook is not victory for ALL women, it's a victory for some- read wealthy white women
• Name capitalism as the enemy, it'll reinforce misogyny, patriarchy-- think Clara Zetkin, reordering society 

Anyway, do yourself a favor and listen!

**********

 Trust women, get it??

**********

And some more examples of why we need feminism:

Ok, so this below is why I have gotten angry in some of my Twitler voter posts. Yes, I believe I can be friends with Cheeto's fans and yes I know we can differ on budget or health care plans and not be outrageously offended, BUT when it comes to racism and sexism or denying someone rights because they don't agree with your religious views, this should be UNACCEPTABLE. It should be unacceptable NOT because you have a black friend, a daughter or a wife, it is unacceptable because another human being is being treated as LESS. That absolutely should be offensive to you and outrage is justified. If you are not offended by people being treated as less that human beings on the basis of race or gender or religion, perhaps YOU should re-evaluate YOUR position and stop your complaining about hateful libtards and feminazis.

http://mashable.com/2017/03/07/what-men-secretly-say-about-women/

"The rest of the page's members, it appears, just looked the other way. They probably shrugged their shoulders and said to themselves, "It's just locker room talk." If that defense worked for the president of the United States, it'll probably work for a bunch of patriotic Marines."

#persisterhood
#notgoingback
#womensrightsarehumanrights
#blacklivesmatter
#respectexistenceorexpectresistance
#freedomofreligion
#freedomfromreligion

**********

a sexism experiment
http://www.attn.com/stories/15518/creative-sexism-experiment-female-co-worker?utm_source=facebook&utm_medium=direct-share&utm_campaign=shares

**********

https://www.google.com/amp/s/www.forbes.com/sites/kathycaprino/2016/06/12/why-men-and-women-are-held-to-dramatically-different-standards-and-women-are-punished/amp/


Discusses the disparity, but breaks down a bit on the solution. I think we need more than just to clean up our own house. Maybe it should start there, I can see that- how can you help anyone else if you can't stand up for yourself. But I don't know if that's the only thing holding us back.

**********

Does Hillary Clinton face a different standard for honesty?
https://www.washingtonpost.com/news/the-fix/wp/2016/05/29/does-hillary-clinton-face-a-different-standard-for-honesty/?utm_term=.6c34af13cf9b


**********

Women Held To Higher Ethical Standard Than Men, Study Shows

http://www.npr.org/2016/06/02/480487259/women-held-to-higher-ethical-standard-than-men-study-shows