#metoo Solidarity

There was a tweet going around - how do women not die of rage aneurysms every day. Seems especially apt today.

Since we voted (or not voted, in most cases) a serial sexual assaulter to the office of president to now when an apathetic to enthusiastic GOP is trying to cram Kavanaugh down our throats, the political is personal.

I haven't suffered monumental sexual trauma but only the run of the mill sexual harassment, sexism and rape culture. What a phrase that is, run of the mill sexual harassment. I am absolutely in solidarity with survivors whenever, wherever and however they report. I can't imagine what this is putting them through. Every single time.

I've walked with my keys between my fingers, I worry about dark parking lots, I worry about places with few people, I worry about places with too many people. I thought I wasn't good at math. I worry about running alone. I cross the street to avoid squeezing by men on a sidewalk. I've been talked over and had my answers repeated by boys who take credit. I've laughed off sexist "jokes" and comments to get out of the situation. I've told myself stray hands where I didn't want them were an accident. I listen for footsteps behind me and use my car window for a mirror as I unlock the car. I accepted advances I didn't want so I wouldn't be stranded. I know who I would and wouldn't tell about sexual assault.

I grew up with an ideology that taught me not to handle big decisions on my own, not to usurp the authority of a man and not to cause one to stumble spiritually because of what I chose to wear or how I moved. No one ever said explicitly that my safety was not intended by God to be a priority, but when you tell a teenager that you can only be released from marriage for death or infidelity, what on earth is one to gather from that?

We can do better. I want to have faith in humanity that common decency might prevail consistently one day.

But Twitler is in office and Troy (thanks, Boom Lawyered for the levity) will be a Justice soon. So *can* we do better?

Push back all around on #believewomen - deja vu

As the number of women coming forward against Kavanaugh rises. ..

So there has been some push back on the 'believe women' mantra across the board from conservative Christians* to well meaning liberals. Some say slow down! We can't assume guilt and the only appropriate response is that we don't know/ maybe we should look into it. Or they believe "truth" or "facts" (which is funny if any of those support the GOP but i digress ...) rather than exclusively women. 

*As far as the conservative Christians, I read a post by Jen Hatmaker, which I can generally get on board with. I support religious people thinking in a humane way about equality and the common good. Her Christianity is against kids in cages and men who rape women and I think it's important for Christians to speak out when they differ with the GOP theocratic patriarchal abuse.

This strikes the same tone deaf note as Black Lives Matter opposition where people intentionally disregard context so they can feel some self righteous indignation. Neither of these statements are happening in a vacuum or a state of anything approaching equality. BLM is not saying no other lives matter,  it's drawing attention to the fact that our society doesn't value black lives, there is still discrimination and racism (readily apparent in the criminal justice system and murders of unarmed black people by police among other areas) and we're fed up. 

In the same manner, 'believe women' is the shorthand that says NOT that only women always tell the truth on everything or any other nonsense, but that women are historically and statistically not being valued or believed (especially in sexual assault, DV, among other life threatening situations) compared to men and it's LITERALLY KILLING US.

In a perfect world and free of the weight of history we could treat his denial and her accusation as equally plausible. But given our current world, knowing he has everything to gain and she is getting death threats for coming forward, I'm going to #believewomen .

#believewomen

#cancelKavanaugh

#bluewave

#womensrightsarehumanrights

*the comments section of the Jen Hatmaker post/article:

New BK ad on bullying. . . and application to sexual assault

BK PSA on bullying: https://youtu.be/mnKPEsbTo9s

My Facebook commentary on the ad:
Whether we're talking bullying or "run of the mill" sexual harassment, it's time to stand up. Having a president who is a blatant misogynist and racist and bully, the dissonance should now be so loud that you can't sit quietly by. YOU, apolitical person, have to lead. YOU, person who'd rather not get involved, be the first to say this is not ok.

I like the messaging here, the challenge to get involved when you see it happening. Disrupt the culture of silence. But it also made me think of the resurgence in awareness of sexual harassment and sexual assault in the outing of Harvey Weinstein and some other famous people. While I think this is great, I do think the headlines about Hollywood getting cleaned out are a little overly optimistic and misses the much greater problem for everyday women who aren't getting justice and never will due to the pervasiveness of the silence, shame and duty to protect men at the expense of women. That would be rape culture, as it is named.

And men speaking out and disrupting the culture of silence is the solution:
https://www.politico.com/story/2017/10/25/jeanne-shaheen-sexual-assault-women-rule-podcast-244084



The Vast Majority of Perpetrators Will Not Go to Jail or Prison
https://www.rainn.org/statistics/criminal-justice-system

But what about all those false allegations?? What about men?? Doesn't this happen ALL THE TIME? No. No, it does not.
https://www.rapecrisisscotland.org.uk/false-allegations/

A few facts to help you get rid of misconceptions surrounding rape. For starters: it's not about sex and false allegations are rare.
https://www.rapevictimadvocates.org/what-you-need-to-know/myths-and-facts/

###

So I'm going to offer a bit of pushback to my own post here. No, wait. It's more intersectionality than pushback actually. What about these false accusations on campus? Here's one, doesn't this indicate how flawed the system is? Some think the problem is that men are convicted too easily or women "cry rape" too often and ruin men's lives. This is very misleading, though. The other inference you could draw is more supported by evidence- see the next paragraph.

The Uncomfortable Truth About Campus Rape Policy

https://www.theatlantic.com/education/archive/2017/09/the-uncomfortable-truth-about-campus-rape-policy/538974/

There have been some harsh punishments to make the news and our dimwitted Education Secretary is all over it. Betsy Devos  has been meeting with Men's Rights groups to get ideas on how to "fix" Obama's protections for women so that we are in fact less protected. I think it's great to want to provide equal protection under the law- this should be everyone's goal- but that is clearly not what's going on here. The problem isn't Title IX and too many women accusing innocent men of rape. In many cases, an old wrong plays a role and that is systemic racism- the very same phenomenon that was responsible for the deaths of Emmet Till and Henry Marrow and the wrongful convictions of the Central Park 5.  This is explained quite well here: https://www.thenation.com/article/what-betsy-devos-gets-wrong-about-sexual-assault-on-campus/

The real problems are not that too many women lie about being raped and the campus policy encourages it or that too many men are having their lives ruined by women "crying rape," it's that black men are targeted for incarceration on the whole, including for rape- and concurrently the fact is rape is under reported. These are the actual problems we need to be addressing.

More on that:

Study: Black people more likely to be wrongfully convicted

http://www.cnn.com/2017/03/07/politics/blacks-wrongful-convictions-study/index.html

Further reading. Yes, a BOOK! 

The New Jim Crow

https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/6792458-the-new-jim-crow

Also circulating online recently was this quote from Jackson Katz, The Macho Paradox . It describes what it's like to be a woman living in our culture, rape culture.

“I draw a line down the middle of a chalkboard, sketching a male symbol on one side and a female symbol on the other. Then I ask just the men: What steps do you guys take, on a daily basis, to prevent yourselves from being sexually assaulted? At first there is a kind of awkward silence as the men try to figure out if they’ve been asked a trick question. The silence gives way to a smattering of nervous laughter. Occasionally, a young a guy will raise his hand and say, ‘I stay out of prison.’ This is typically followed by another moment of laughter, before someone finally raises his hand and soberly states, ‘Nothing. I don’t think about it.’ “Then I ask women the same question. What steps do you take on a daily basis to prevent yourselves from being sexually assaulted? Women throughout the audience immediately start raising their hands. As the men sit in stunned silence, the women recount safety precautions they take as part of their daily routine. Here are some of their answers: Hold my keys as a potential weapon. Look in the back seat of the car before getting in. Carry a cell phone. Don’t go jogging at night. Lock all the windows when I sleep, even on hot summer nights. Be careful not to drink too much. Don’t put my drink down and come back to it; make sure I see it being poured. Own a big dog. Carry Mace or pepper spray. Have an unlisted phone number. Have a man’s voice on my answering machine. Park in well-lit areas. Don’t use parking garages. Don’t get on elevators with only one man, or with a group of men. Vary my route home from work. Watch what I wear. Don’t use highway rest areas. Use a home alarm system. Don’t wear headphones when jogging. Avoid forests or wooded areas, even in the daytime. Don’t take a first-floor apartment. Go out in groups. Own a firearm. Meet men on first dates in public places. Make sure to have a car or cab fare. Don’t make eye contact with men on the street. Make assertive eye contact with men on the street.
“That, my friends, is what it’s like to be thought of as prey.”

In the same vein, many things I do without even thinking are on this list: Change the locks when housekeys are misplaced. Avoid eye contact with men trying to get our attention. Never open the door for someone we’re not expecting and stay still until the doorbell stops ringing.Driving in a circle if we sense we might be followed. Walk with our keys grasped between our fingers in case we need to use them as a weapon. 

In the same way men are so shocked by famous people getting caught assaulting women, they have no idea this feeling of lack of safely is absolutely pervasive in our worlds.
https://www.huffingtonpost.com/2015/05/07/what-women-have-to-do-to-be-careful_n_7072080.html


And in the segment, wtf did she just say. . .Mayim Bialik. . . whyyyyy??

http://www.rollingstone.com/culture/news/mayim-bialik-defends-sexual-harassment-comments-w509185 

http://www.slate.com/blogs/browbeat/2017/10/19/mayim_bialik_apologized_for_her_victim_blaming_op_ed_on_the_weinstein_scandal.html